When you think of the word grief, what comes to mind?
Is it someone hunched over in anguish, the pain ostensibly etched in their face? Is it a person crying, with tears streaming down their face in an outward manifestation of loss and heartbreak?
What about a person who greets you in the office with a bright smile and a genuine, “Hello! How was your weekend?” Their warmth fills the room like sunshine personified, all while several peeled-back layers beneath the onion reveal darkness, quiet despair, as well as unspeakable hopelessness and grief.
What happens when a person is fighting a quiet battle beneath a cheerful exterior?
First, it’s important to note the invisible griever’s “why,” as there could be multiple stand-alone or combined reasons to explain why their suppressed sorrow is kept hidden from the light of day — whether intentional or unbeknownst to them. Is it their personality? Maybe they’ve always been the glue to prevent other people from falling apart at the seams, and they are unaccustomed to showing vulnerability. Is it their audience? They might think people will judge them, see them as weak, or perhaps worse, treat them with indifference and with a shrugged shoulder tell them to “move on.” Could it be the issue itself? Maybe they feel that stigma and shame lurk in the shadows of their pain, with society ready to pounce with a guilty verdict as if they’re being put on trial for their grief. Once we understand the reasons behind invisible grief, we can better approach how to support someone’s experience with it.
It’s important to recognize that the pressure to appear “fine” can be exhausting and lead to emotional isolation. Although it’s never okay to pry, what can a person do to offer support to invisible grievers? Offering a safe, judgment-free space is essential, along with showing active listening in lieu of advice. Trust and patience are also essential ingredients in allowing people to unveil their mask of normalcy – after all, it took a lifetime for them to learn the rules of social graces, and revealing their hidden grief can feel like stripping back layers of protection they’ve spent years building. Unmasking oneself is akin to taking a cast off after months of healing; the flesh is raw and exposed, and learning to re-walk feels like teetering on the edge of balance and instability. And trust takes time to nurture and grow; if pushed too forcefully, it will fracture, rendering a person re-casted and fragile once again.
So, what is an immediate comment you can make to someone who is struggling with invisible grief once a flicker of their pain seeps through cracks in their joyful veneer? Statements like, “I can’t imagine how hard this must be,” and a simple, “I’m here for you” can be invaluable. And sometimes, words are unnecessary and unable to capture the gravity and depth of the loss; in the stillness and silence shared with your loved one, your presence can speak volumes. It’s also important for people to know that you are operating at their pace, so, “Any time you want to talk, just let me know. I won’t bring it up again until you give me the green light,” can let them know that you respect their boundaries and are there when they are ready.
Ultimately, the most powerful antidote to invisible grief is visibility – your presence, coupled with patience and unwavering support.
